Wednesday, July 18, 2018

UPDATE:  Since writing this and dithering over whether to post it, Trump has weakened our international alliances and chosen to believe Putin over our own intelligence agencies. 


I’ve been avoiding most social media on and off for a long time now.  For the past month or two I haven’t been on facebook or instagram where my friends, acquintances and family live.  I’m comfortable with twitter where I can somewhat more anonymously vent my frustrations into the void. 

I’ve been clinically depressed for the past 18 months or so, I’m prone to it (yay) for wacky brain chemicals).  I’ve definitely moved towards a lighter version lately and I’m spending a lot of time now evaluating why I choose to keep myself away even still.  I’ve come to some conclusions that I’m willing to share.

In 2016, our electoral college chose to give the most powerful job in the world to a complete crook and generally horrible human being.  Please don’t roll your eyes and move on.  I want to share this with you.  The night of the election, I cried, sobbed big ugly tears.  At first it was the general holy shit shock.  Then it moved into “what does this mean for our country?  Our laws?”  With each scandal involving our new president, his family,  and his business associates, I truly thought that the good people in my life would denounce him, would admit to it all being an epic error and join together to limit what damage this person could do to our country.  I didn’t cry for the loss of my candidate, I cried knowing that people I love and interact with daily gave their vote to such a truly horrible human.

Every day we have had new scandal rocked the news headlines.  My despair wasn’t for the opponent who lost, but for having to see my friends and my family members support this horrible person.  I began to question whether I truly knew these people.  If they each had a moral compass that told them that this was okay, what did that mean?  I couldn’t respect them.

As time went on I would tell myself “THIS is so horrible, they can’t continue to support him” and every time I heard silence.  As the country came out of the fog of disbelief, I realized that so many people were scared for the future, for themselves and most certainly their children.  Depression wasn’t mine alone.  It got dark, really dark for a long time.  I remember a business that I used to use frequently, emailing me in December 2016 saying that I hadn’t placed my usual order for xmas.  I candidly responded “It doesn’t seem to matter this year.”  They responded back with “We get it.  We’re there too.”

My family is full of intelligent people who come from immigrants.  Yes it’s been a good hundred years, but what’s so different?  Our families were held together and progressed because of strong women who take no shit.  How could they be okay with the way our current crop of legislators continue to push laws that hurt women?  Could they truly be thinking “that doesn’t apply to me”?  How could they not see that the good organizations they volunteer for are struggling because their funding has been cut?  How can they support an administration that doesn’t believe in climate change?  Or human rights?  Or women’s rights? Or that black lives matter? Will the boy wearing the MAGA t-shirt respect my daughter? Do you truly believe that there is no collusion with Russia?  That it won’t matter in the long run?

I was raised to “be polite” and to try above all not to hurt someone else’s feelings, but that has come at the price of not voicing my own feelings.  I acknowledge that I’m not going to change the mind of anyone but I’m ready to talk about it, to understand why it seems that these things don’t matter to some.  I don’t care about Clinton, whatever argument involves her is irrelevant at this point.  I don’t want to hear “but Obama” because, politics aside, he is a good man who has a conscience and a kindness of heart.

These are the thoughts I’ve been wrestling with for a long time. The midterm elections are coming and we all have the opportunity to elect more women, millennials, and minorities to positions that allow them a voice for the people they represent.  

Please feel free to comment anonymously if you feel you can’t talk openly.  I really want to understand.  Also, to those who have similar feelings to mine, please post a comment.  I want to know how you’re coping.

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